I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
