my sisters under your porch take her home
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
