if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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