I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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