wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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