ya dads aren't the best wingmen
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
