you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
