I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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