if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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