Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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