I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
