chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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