When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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