When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
