i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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