I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
