i was rollin on her like bob the builder
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
handjob tips. give me some.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
