Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
