getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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