I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
