I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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