Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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