His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Boobs are out for the taking
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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