also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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