she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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