just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
only if we run a train.
done.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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