Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
