I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
