So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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