I can text with my tongue
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
