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I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
