Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
