Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
