I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You made out with two different species that night
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
