You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
