I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
