wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
