you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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