I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
