then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
