I looked at my own cervix.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
