I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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