i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
