I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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