new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
