you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
