I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
