My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
