Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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