i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
